Family Time! Redfield Style
by Luluneri
Summary: *Pre RE5* A simple hello turns into an all out rage war. Starring Chris, Claire, Leon, and Jill.And maybe a few others. Well, R&R!
1. Typical wake up call

Family Time! (A little…)

Claire Redfield had walked inside her brother's apartment and sat a bag of groceries on the kitchen table and locked the door behind her as quietly as she could, trying not to wake her older sibling.

_Everything's pretty quiet,_ she thought, silently putting away the groceries into their perspective places and turning on the lights. _Or maybe it's one of his 'scare your little sister' pranks…asshole…_

She shuddered slightly as she remembered his last prank which consisted of a few rolls of toilet paper, glue, and a roughhousing match that went on for a full hour.

She started snooping around, checking around in the front room for anything that looked suspicious; Nothing so far. But when she sat down, she heard a clanking noise. She stood up and sighed.

"Funny Chris," she whispered. "Handcuffs…what's next, taping me to a wall…?"

She started walking around, looking for the keys; but to no avail. She sighed; her brother wasn't a fool in any sense of the word, even if it came to pranks.

_Maybe I'd better start prank-proofing this apartment,_ she thought, finally finding the keys to the handcuffs and taking them from around her wrist.

So far, he wasn't anywhere in the apartment; but she never checked his bedroom. She walked into his bedroom, where she found him…sleeping.

He had covered himself up with his blankets, as if he was cold; he also had a fully assembled pistol on his dresser, along with a full handgun magazine next to it. Yeah, this guy was prepared if a burglar decided to rob this place…

"Chris…" She started to shake her seemingly unconscious older sibling. "Wake up…"

No response. "Christopher…"

Still no response from him; he was sleeping like a hibernating bear.

Fed up with his lack of movement and response, she reached into his covers, and reached her hand all the way to his chest; her fingers found one of his nipples, and she twisted it as hard as she could.

"WAKE UP, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

"AHHHHHHH!"

He jumped up, almost yelping in pain; Claire couldn't help but be in stitches at his reaction. Did he actually yelp?

"Wow, I didn't expect that reaction from a two-hundred seventeen pound man," Claire said, still laughing her ass off. "I thought for sure you would scowl at me!"

And he did. As he sat up, he gave his sister a menacing glare before rubbing his chest.

"THE FUCK WAS THAT, CLAIRE? GOD DAMN THAT HURTS!"

She laughed, now knowing that her brother was wide awake. "You'd better be glad that was all I did. I was aiming for below the belt."

Chris-once again-had cast another hard glance at his younger sibling. That's a dirty move!

"Ha, very funny," he said, standing up. "But I'll take the purple nurples any day over that. Trust me on that one."

"Hey Chris; what did five fingers say to the face?" Claire held up five fingers. "Huh?"

Chris just shrugged. He was too tired to think of anything right now. "I don't know. What did five fingers say to the face…?"

"SLAP, BITCH!" She slapped him as hard as she could and ran out the room, squealing.

Chris, on the other hand, did NOT appreciate the morning wake up call. "CLAIRE! IT'S ON NOW!"

He ran out of his bedroom, blazing towards his little sister in a fit of rage; or just to have something to roughhouse about.

"COME HERE SO YOU CAN GET YOURS, LITTLE GIRL!"

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, YOU 'ROID RAGING MONKEY!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Chris hated the fact that Claire had always called him a 'roid raging monkey'. First, he wasn't on steroids. It was natural body mass. Second; his body mass gave him a slight advantage when I came to fighting his little sister in a roughhousing match.

He had chased Claire all the way around the couch, lunging himself at her. Claire was moving around too much for him to really lunge at her. So, he came up with a plan that any brain dead person could fall for.

"Hey, Claire; don't look behind you!"

She looked behind herself anyway; and she saw a package of croissants on the table.

"Ooh, croissants! I want some!"

"GOTCHA!"

"Huh? AHHHH!"

Chris had tackled his little sister to the ground, who had half a croissant in her mouth.

"I win! Now, gimme the other half of your croissant, please!"

"No! My croissant!"

"Fine then!" They started to fight over half a croissant; even though there was a whole package of them on the kitchen table.

"Gimme the croissant!"

"No! There's like a whole package on the table! Get one from there!"

Chris shook his head, and began fighting with the half eaten croissant, which was being devoured by his sister.

Just as Chris had gotten the croissant from his sister at last, his eyes peered over to the front door, which was opened by Jill Valentine. Oh no…

"Uh, how long have you been standing there in your pajamas?" Chris asked, triumphantly enjoying half of his earned croissant. "A few minutes?"

"Long enough to know not to mess with you two when it comes to your croissants…" Jill had walked inside and closed the door behind her. "So, are you guys finished with your sibling rivalry, yet?"

Both of the Redfield siblings shook their heads and laughed. Sibling rivalries are what they did best. Everyone knows that!

"We're never gonna finish," Claire said, getting another croissant from the package on the table. "Besides, this is just the morning routine."

Jill gulped. She would hate to see them fighting over a pot of coffee. Imagine the wounds they would suffer…

"Just don't fight over something hot. I don't want to be blamed for third-degree burns…"

"Don't worry, we're not gonna go THAT far, right Claire?"

"Yeah! We're not that crazy, right?"

Jill sighed. They are that crazy… "Yes, you two are BOTH that crazy…one day, the BSAA are gonna label us as crazy…"

And with what just transpired; you're not that far off…

**All credit in this chapter goes to thelexhex for the beginning of this story!**


	2. Croissant rage & a pretty decent plan!

Family Time! (A Little…)

"Aw, really?" Chris asked. "We're really gonna be labeled crazy?"

"Yes, I'm being serious," Jill said. "You two act like you're on a battlefield…"

"Sure do. We'll stick to trying to kill each other."

Just as Chris had finished his sentence, he heard a knock on his door.

"Coming."

He approached the door and opened it; oh my god…

"Hello, Chris."

"AHHHHH! GO AWAY!"

Chris had immediately shut the door and locked it. He put his back against the door and slid down it.

"Jill? HOW IN THE FUCK DID HE KNOW WHERE I LIVED?"

Jill was confused. Who's he talking about? "Who are you talking about, Chris?"

"Um, I'm talking about the criminal mastermind that we've been trying to kill for about ten fucking years!"

"WHAT?"

Everyone started to scream in a panic. Chris had rushed into his bedroom and grabbed his handgun off of his dresser. He ran back out, and approached the locked door.

"Okay, everyone be quiet…I'm gonna open the door."

He opened the door slowly and watched his mortal enemy walk inside of his apartment. Oh, how it would be easy just to blow his head off here…but he didn't want the police showing up at his door asking him to explain a dead body on the ground…

"Don't move anymore. Take out whatever weapons you have, and drop them."

Wesker had snorted before dropping a handgun and some syringes. Chris had cast another glare at the blonde haired man. And with that, another handgun came out onto the floor.

"Is that all?"

Chris was skeptical to let his arch enemy stay in his apartment. But, he didn't feel like explaining ANYTHING to the authorities on his vacation.

"Yes. Please, do make yourself at home."

_Along with a few bullets in your head if you pull something sneaky, _Chris thought as he started to smile.

"Chris, why are you smiling like that? It's creepy…"

He turned around to face Jill. "Uh, we need to talk in private; both of you."

He took them into his bedroom and locked the door behind them.

"Alright, what's the big problem, bro?" Claire said. "Is it just because of the fact that Wesker's in here?"

"Let me think for a min-YES, YOU STUPID PERSON! HE TRIED TO MUTULATE ME, BEAT ME TO DEATH, and he called me a kitty cat…"

Claire and Jill started cracking up. Did he really say that? Or is Chris just coming up with stuff?

"Did-did he really call you that? If so…BWAHAHAHA!"

Chris started to blush a little. Yeah, that's embarrassing….

"Uh, back to what I was saying…HOW IN THE HELL DO WE DEAL WITH HIM?"

"Uh, I'm stumped…wait a minute! Jill, come here!"

Jill walked over to them. "Yeah?"

"Do you still have that kitty cat lingerie that Chris brought for you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"We have a little plan…"

Chris and Claire had started to smirk; and with that, Jill was trying to jump out of the window.

"NO! I AM NOT PUTTING THAT DAMN THING ON AGAIN! YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME I PUT THAT HELL-DRIVEN COSTUME?"

"It's the only way for him to at least be tempted to leave," said Chris. "He'll probably say a few sexual things, and then leave."

Jill wasn't amused. But then again, most men she knew were sexual predators; including Chris.

"Fine. I'll go home and go get that damn costume…" She crawled out of Chris' arms and jumped through the window, towards her apartment.

"Okay, so what do we do know?" Claire asked. "We're stuck in here with Wesker, and Jill's gonna come back here looking like a well behaved black cat! We're kinda in a tiff at this point."

Chris thought for a moment. Well, they could just sneak by him. But, Wesker's far from the word stupid.

"We'll just sneak out there, get the croissants, and come back in the bedroom. That's pretty quick and to the point…"

"If it's so easy, how about you go retrieve our buttery, French pastry?"

Chris sighed. Of course he's always the one to stride into danger; in his own apartment, nonetheless.

"Fine, I'll go and get our fluffy treat…"

He walked out of his bedroom and down the hall; just to see Wesker indulging in their fluffy French treat.

"YOU ATE THEM!"

Wesker turned around, horrified to see his arch enemy glow red from anger. Maybe he should've asked first…

"Uh, I can-AHHHH!"

Chris had tackled him to the ground, choking the life out of his nemesis. "YOU ATE THEM! COUGH THEM UP, COUGH THEM UP!"

"I CAN'T! GODDAMMIT, GET OFF!"

"I WILL GUT YOU LIKE I FISH IF I HAVE TO! COUGH THEM BACK UP!"

Claire peeked out of the bedroom, to see what all of the ruckus was about. "Chris, what's going-uh…? Chris…?"

She ran over to Chris, who was close to ripping Wesker to pieces. It was in her best interest to assist Wesker instead of Chris this time.

"Chris, stop! We don't want the police here! Get off of him!"

"NO! I WANT THE CROISSANTS BACK! GIVE THEM BACK!"

Claire dragged her brother all the way back into his bedroom and locked the door. Who knew her brother had such a bad temper?


	3. Croissant Rage cont & Leon's appearance!

Family Time! (A little…)

"Ugh, I hate this costume!"

Jill was climbing back up to Chris' apartment wearing the black kitty outfit he had brought for her on Halloween. It was a nice costume to wear for Halloween only; but other than that, it spells disaster for the rest of the year.

"Man…I'm gonna kill Chris for making wear this!"

She crawled back up; just to see Claire struggling to hold her older sibling down. She wasn't gone for a full ten minutes before hell broke loose!

"What happened?" Jill asked. She stopped suddenly to take off the stupid cat collar that was attached, along with the cat ears and paws. How annoying…

"Wesker ate our croissants! And Chris lost his mind momentarily…"

_Lost his mind? _Jill thought. _Well, he does have a short temper...Wesker knew that. He was just trying to piss him off…and he succeeded._

"Well, after we get Wesker out of the house, we can go buy some more. Okay?"

Chris immediately stopped struggling and stood up. "Wow…that's a really good costume. I'm glad that you could still fit it."

"Hey!" She playfully hits him. "That wasn't very nice! But, I'm not complaining about you being muscular now, now am I?"

"Uh…no, no you're not."

_Goddammit, _he thought. _I'm already thinking wrong! This is the LAST time I ever go shopping with those two…_

"Can you just make Wesker go away? Before I make him disappear myself?"

"Okay, I'll start walking out there. Can you guys keep watch?"

Both of the Redfields nodded. Jill wouldn't last very long if no one was watching her.

"Tell me when this is over…" Chris covered his eyes in horror. "I can't watch this…"

"It's okay Chris," Claire said, smiling. "It's working!"

"It is?" He turned back around to see Jill pinning Wesker to the wall. "See? What'd I tell ya?"

But, he didn't prepare for what Jill did next; which was WAY overboard.

"Claire, what is she doing?"

She quickly got up and shut the door. "Nothing, nothing…"

Chris tried to pry the door open, but Claire put all her body weight on it, blocking him. "No! Don't look out there!"

"Do we need to start round two?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Chris lifted up his little sister and round two began. This apartment won't be standing for much longer…

**(Leon S. Kennedy)**

"I've never been over here before. Thank god Claire gave me directions…"

Leon was invited over to Chris' apartment to watch a movie or some sorts. Boy, did they lie…

"Hey guys, what's going-Jill? What are you doing to Wesker? And why is he in here, anyway?"

"Hi Leon; I'll explain later. Open up that window ever there, please?"

Leon did as he was told. He opened up the window in the kitchen, with Jill dangling Wesker out of it.

"Will you leave if we drop you from this height?"

"It might kill me!"

"…Okay."

Jill was about to drop Wesker to his death, until Chris had walked out of his bedroom carrying Claire on his back.

"Jill, what are you doing?"

"Uh…giving Wesker a tour of the up-scale apartment from across the street."

Chris gave her one of his 'yeah right' looks. He pulled Wesker up and looked dead at him.

"Okay, here's what I'm gonna do…"

He rams Wesker into the window and starts choking him.

"YOU KILLED MY FUCKING CROISSANTS! YOU BETTER COUGH THEM UP, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE LOOKING AT CONCRETE! GIVE THEM BACK NOW!"

Jill and Leon considered trying to pull Chris away, but with Chris' temper and strength, they wouldn't succeed. He started dangling Wesker out of the window, head-first.

"DIE, DIE, DIE!"

"CHRIS!"

Regardless of risking life and limb-even for Wesker,-they tried prying Chris away, without dropping Wesker. This time, they succeeded.

"Chris, we will get you some more croissants! Just calm your ass DOWN!"

Leon hasn't been in the house for ten minutes, and he's already seen Chris' evil side-well, a little bit of it.

"Uh, I'll be with Claire…you guys, uh…go get some more croissants…"

"Leon, before you go…HELP ME!"

Chris continued to go after a unconscious Wesker, who was half-way dangling out of the broken window.

"HE ATE THEM! MOTHERFUCKER! GET US SOME MORE CROISSANTS!"

Leon quickly took Claire back in the bedroom and locked it as tight as he could. There was NO WAY IN HELL that he was gonna witness a unconscious body falling from a window…


	4. To the store, we go! Hilarity ensues

Family Time! (A little…)

"Claire, does he usually do this when it comes to croissants?"

"A little…uh, this is the first time I've actually seen him like this…"

"WHAT?"

Claire nodded. She never really saw her brother go bonkers over a package of croissants-nor did she want to…but, there's a first for everything…

"I haven't seen him act this crazy since-who is that banging on the door?"

Claire went over to the door and opened it. Her brother was looking at her with wild eyes, WHILE holding his handgun in his right hand.

"WHERE THE FUCK'S MY CROISSANTS?"

She immediately shut the door and locked it back. "Uh, we need to get those croissants, fast…"

"DID THAT REALLY JUST OCCUR TO YOU, CLAIRE? YOUR BROTHER'S BASICALLY GOING NUTS OVER A DAMN FRENCH PASTRY!"

Continuously arguing over Chris' obsession of croissants, they were completely oblivious to him bursting through the door.

"I understand that Claire, but-C-C-Claire…?"

"What?"

She backed up a little, and bumped into something muscular and tall. She turned around, horrified.

"Hey Chris, uh, we were just about to-RUN!"

They both jumped out of the window and started sliding down the ladder towards the store-which was three miles away…

Jill walked inside the room. "Guys, is everything-GAH!" She narrowly dodged a wooden plank to the head. "CHRIS, CALM DOWN!"

She shut and locked the door again, just hold him off long enough for her to wake up Wesker and come up with a plan.

"Wesker; this is the only time I'll ask you to do this, but…CAN YOU PLEASE KNOCK THE HELL OUTTA CHRIS?"

No response from Wesker. The only time Jill depends on him, and this is how he repays her? Asshole…

"LET ME OUT!" Chris ended up knocking the door down completely before he marched out.

"WHERE THE FUCK'S MY CROISSANTS?"

"OH MY GOD, WESKER, WAKE UP ALREADY!"

"WHERE'S MY CROISSANTS?"

Jill hesitated. She could lie and leave Wesker to get mutilated, but a dead body and a psycho man was the LAST THING she wanted to explain.

"Uh, I'll be right back-CLAIRE! LEON!"

She ran as fast as she could out of Chris' apartment, not caring if he followed. (YOU SHOULD CARE!)

**(Sam's Club *LOL!*)**

Claire and Leon ran into Sam's Club as fast as they could, thinking that Chris was following them.

"Whew…okay, this store is huge! We should be able to find croissants in here."

"Yeah…thank god I had my membership card on me. What a coincidence…"

Leon raised an eyebrow at Claire. What a coincidence, indeed…

"Okay, so, let's get started on searching for those croissants…"

Claire nodded, but before they could start searching, something just came to their realizations.

"WE FORGOT JILL!"

"I'm right here!"

Jill came running in, trying to catch her breath. Trying to run away from Chris sure worked up a sweat…

"Did you guys find the croissants yet?"

"No, we just got here," Claire said. "Why are you rushing?"

Not long after asking that question, Chris had walked into the store, looking around. Oh, this just turned bad; REALLY BAD.

"…Oh, I see…SPLIT!"

Each of them split up and goes down a different aisle.

**(Jill Valentine-junk food aisle)**

"OfcourseIgetthejunkfoodaisle...figures..."

Jill didn't expect to get the first aisle that any man would look down when it came to junk food; or when it came to French pastries. And NOTHING made it worse than being in a lingerie outfit, ALONG with being chased by a psycho man in his JAMMIES.

"Alright, croissants, croissants…hmm…"

She searched the rows of junk food and candy; but no signs of croissants; yet.

"This is ridiculous! There are no signs of croissants ANYWHERE!"

She immediate covered her mouth as she heard Chris come down her aisle. Doesn't she just have all the luck…?

"Why me…?" She immediate ran into another aisle. "Goodness, find another pastry to eat!"

**(Claire Redfield-Pastry aisle)**

"Why did I get the pastry aisle? Geez…"

Out of all the aisles, she gets the most obvious one. Gotta find those croissants, quick!

"Croissant, croissants…ha; croissants at last!"

She picked up the huge box of croissants and started to take them back to check-out; until an all too familiar figure started running down the aisle after her.

"CROISSANTS! GIMME THE DAMN-WHOA!"

Chris started slipping down the aisle, and crashed into a pile of fresh baked cookies.

"OW! Wait a minute…"

He picks up a cookie and eats one. "…Good cookies. But I still want my damn croissants! CLAIRE!"

He gets up and runs after Claire, along with a handful of cookies in his hands.

**I didn't think Chris was this bad when it came to his breakfast pastries. Then again, croissants are nothing to mess with. Trust me, I know!** **Tell me what ya think!**


	5. BONZAI! & Epilogue

Family Time! (A little…)

**(Leon-Starbucks)**

Leon was drinking an iced coffee as he watched Claire and Jill play hot potato with Chris, and a VERY LARGE BOX OF CROISSANTS.

"Chris, let us pay for the damn croissants first! Goddamn…first you try to kill Wesker, and then you try to kill us over a box of unpaid croissants; IN YOUR JAMMIES!"

Chris looked down with a small yelp and blushed. Didn't notice that when you were running down the street, now did you?

"Aw, just shut up and pay for the damned croissants. I feel dirty…"

"I bet you do, ya 'roid raging monkey!"

"WHAT?"

And with that being said, the Redfield War has begun again…Jill caught the box and ran to the check-out line to pay for the croissants before the store wasn't standing.

"I WAS ONLY KIDDING, CHRIS! Geez, you take things to seriously…"

"I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT YOUR WORDS! COME HERE!"

Claire started off in a sprint and ran down a souvenir aisle; she picked up a rapier and used it to push her brother back a few steps.

"Back up, boy; don't make me stab you in the eye!"

"Oh really?" Chris picks up a long sword and starts swinging it around like a maniac. "BONZAI, BITCH!"

"Man, that's cheating!"

Seeing the rapier being useless against a long sword-wielding maniac, she discarded it and took off running like hell.

"WHY DO YOU GET A DAMN LONG SWORD? OUT OF ALL THINGS, YOU GET THAT?"

"BONZAI! HI-YA!"

Chris strikes wildly; and misses. Claire runs off, shaking her behind triumphantly.

Chris, on the other hand, didn't appreciate the taunt. "KEEP SHAKING THAT ASS, CLAIRE! WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A FLAT ONE!"

He sprinted down the aisle, following his little sister through a maze of aisles and hallways.

**(Jill and Leon-check-out line)**

Good thing no one was actually in the store except for the staff. This would've been embarrassing to watch in a crowd…

"Okay, so we have the big box of croissants, now how do we get these damn things to his apartment?"

Leon finished his cup of iced coffee and tossed it in the trash. "We have no choice but to walk. Claire and I ran all the way here."

"Dammit…okay, let's get going…"

Leon helped Jill carry the box of croissants out of the store and down the street. Claire and Chris came sprinting out soon after.

"AHH! GIVE HIM A CROISSANT, ALREADY! GIVE HIM ONE!"

Jill reached into the box and pulled out a croissant; she threw it to Chris, who caught it like a dog catching a Frisbee.

"Hell yeah! I got my croissant and everything's back to normal!"

Everyone sighed. Took him long enough…

"Are you happy that you got your croissant now?" Leon said. "Now can we have a little shred of peace?"

Chris nodded. As they approached his apartment, Chris couldn't help but notice something about his car.

"What's that on the side of my car?" He bends down to get a closer look. "Oh hell no!"

"What's wrong, Chris?" Jill asked, indulging in a croissant as well. "Is it a smudge?"

"No! It's a scratch! A SCRATCH ON MY NEW FUCKING CAR! AND IT'S AN ESCALADE! LEON!"

Leon looked puzzled. What did he do?

"Um, what did I do this time?" He asked, observing the scratch. "I didn't do-oh…uh, oops…"

Jill and Claire didn't wanna risk another accident like Wesker's, so they took the croissants and ran into Chris' apartment.

"Hey! Come back here and help me, you two!"

Chris cracked his knuckles. "The only thing you'll be needing help in is in a STRETCHER!"

Leon gulped. "Oh my…AHHHHH!"

The scene ends where Chris is in the air, getting ready to pounce, Leon still screaming at the top of his lungs, Wesker still dangling out of the window half-way, and Jill and Claire watching the beat down take place; while eating croissants.

**Hoped you enjoyed!**


End file.
